Blog by Eric Allen Bell - God is Closer to You than Your Self
By: Barbara Rose, Ph.D.
This article is written with a tremendous amount of compassion, deep understanding and wisdom gained from having "been there" to help you make sense of it all.
First, the signs:
* He has tremendous difficulty verbally expressing his feelings.
* He charms women, and then turns the charm off as soon as his needs are filled.
* He generally speaks about woman as though they are not equal, valuable human beings, perhaps referring to them as "Chicks" along with comments such as "All women are ______" whatever category he places them into.
* He can show tremendous care and compassion towards others with whom he does not feel a romantic connection.
* He has a wall around his heart and will allow you to get only so close, then shuts down when he feels it is too close for his comfort zone.
* He is not yet open to experiencing a fully loving, equal, mutually respectful and fulfilling romantic relationship.
* He is open to exploring and experiencing relationships with many people, enjoys change, variety, and most of all, his personal freedom.
* He is convinced that he is better off without a woman in his life in terms of settling down with one woman.
* He searches outside of himself for validation.
This precious man feels deeply void of pure self love and acceptance. He does not feel good enough. He is attracted to smart, beautiful women, and either unconsciously goes after women who he knows do not meet up to his true standards, or dumps women who he may feel threatened by when he compares himself to them, and does not feel he fully measures up as an equal deep within. So he would rather be alone, because he does not consciously realize that he is pushing away love, which triggers deep rooted fears that cause him to feel uncomfortable.
The most common reasons for this are the abusive, hurtful, unexpected and threatening treatment that was lashed onto him during his early years. This caused him to feel out of control. As an unconscious defense/survival mechanism, he blocks, avoids or pushes away the opportunity to experience a genuine loving relationship because he did not experience this when he was younger, and does not know HOW to feel safe and feel deep love at the same time.
His fears of being consumed, controlled, hurt, betrayed, used or not being good enough are apparent to him on the intellectual level, however, it is difficult for him to fully transform his fears in the area of a genuine loving romantic relationship because it is far too scary for him. To fully open his heart is more equated with death than with a blissful, loving experience.
He yearns for the love that all human beings love to feel, and at the same time keeps his boundaries up to avoid the potential of being hurt by the one thing he wants but has convinced himself is not necessary or even desired in his life; real love.
How to understand this and what to do:
First and foremost, please know that there is absolutely nothing you can ever do to change or fix him. What he needs most is a real friend. A person who can accept him fully, exactly the way he is, without any judgment whatsoever. His search for validation may or may not ultimately take him into the core of his own heart to uproot any and all false negative beliefs he has about himself, so that he can finally learn HOW to fully love himself from the inside out.
This requires time, as in many years. Any expectations that you may have of a fully loving, equal, reciprocal romantic relationship had best be tossed, because this is NOT going to happen, unless he can feel completely safe with you. There is nothing you can do to push this process, and you will drive yourself crazy trying to make him come around if you desire a committed long term relationship.
If you are the type of woman who can feel completely comfortable with a more intellectual relationship, rather than a mushy-tied-to-the-hip relationship, then it is possible that you can sustain a relationship with him, but you would have to be completely and passionately absorbed in your own life purpose, and not feel the need for too much closeness. You would have to fulfill your own need for love by YOU, rather than expect your need for love to be fulfilled by him.
This is where you need to get really honest with yourself. What kind of relationship do you really prefer? If you’re looking for nightly love songs, and notes left on the kitchen counter, he’s not the one for you. If you can accept him FULLY, and feel completely comfortable with his level of emotional commitment, while you feel you are not sacrificing anything on your part, then yes, your relationship would be more like best friends than full time passionate lovers.
Trust is a huge issue here. You have to be completely honest with him, trustworthy, without ANY little manipulative tricks, because he is extremely smart and will see right through them like crystal clear glass. Trust is built over time, and from many small experiences. He will require a tremendous amount of personal space and freedom, not so much because he is looking for a woman, but just for his own sense of personal security, safety, and to know as well as feel that he runs his own life, as opposed to your trying to run it for him.
This is truly a live and let live type of relationship, and your personal happiness cannot depend on him.
Please realize that deep inside, his wounds run to the core, and there is a tremendous amount of love inside of him, however, he has to feel safe to be able to show it, according to his comfort level, and then have his space when he needs it. This will require your being perfectly fine with this. If you are not fine with this, then it is best to walk away completely. If you ARE completely fine with this, get used to the term "go with the flow" and stop trying to "get him" because he will pick up on this coming from you and immediately distance himself from you.
Just as in all conscious human beings, if he is on a path of personal growth and awakening, he will grow in the area of self love in his own time, and at his own rate, not yours. View him with tremendous loving compassion, and NEVER ridicule him, or try any tactics in any area, way, shape or form. You have to be real, who you really are. This is the ONLY way you will be able to accept him for who he is and the level of personal intimacy, safety and trust you share in your relationship.
If you're looking for the white picket fence lifestyle, keep moving because this is NOT the kind of relationship that is ideal for this type of man.
Remember that every person has his and her own preferences. The key here is to understand what the reality of the inner dynamics of the person is, what your inner dynamics are, and what you genuinely prefer in a relationship.
Remember that he his not to blame, any more than any other person who has suffered deep wounds when they were younger. Moreover, you are not in his life to play therapist, because that can be entirely damaging. Would you like it if someone were to try to re-vamp you? Of course not. This is why complete understanding and full acceptance is key.
The good news:
As you built and sustain a genuine friendship, over a long period of time, and feel entirely comfortable with his way of relating, you can have a satisfying and meaningful relationship with him. The key is to be your real self, as well as being completely real and honest with him. The last things he is looking for in a woman are either a competitor or a doormat. He requires an equal who can sustain herself emotionally, while you share dynamic intellectual stimulation, fun, laughs, as well as new interests. You might have a very unique, unconventional living arrangement; just think the opposite of the white picket fence lifestyle and this will give you more of an understanding. Know he is always doing the best job he is able, and will show you in small ways how much you mean to him, even if he does not verbally articulate it.
Remember that you have to be FULLY honest with YOURSELF. If you prefer a different kind of relationship, then you will have to move on. If you are truly and genuinely okay with what I described above, then if you’re a match, over time – a very long time, you will know because he will show it in his actions, and you will be perfectly okay with his capacity to express his love the best way he is able. Full acceptance will be the foundation of a truly rewarding relationship for each of you, as long as you are each fully honest with and can be your true selves.
Barbara Rose, Ph.D. is the best selling author of nine books including If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer!, Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE, and Know Yourself. She is an internationally recognized expert in personal transformation, relationships, consciousness and spiritual awakening, and a pioneering force in incorporating Higher Self Communication, the nondenominational study and integration of humanity's God Nature into modern personal growth and spiritual evolution. Dr. Rose is known for providing life changing answers, quick practical coaching and deep spiritual wisdom to people worldwide as the Founding Director of Institute of Higher Self Communication. Her highly acclaimed books, public speaking events, spiritual intensives, teleseminars, webcasts, and internationally published articles transform the lives of millions across the globe. Dr. Rose works in cooperation with some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time, to uplift the spiritual consciousness of humanity. Website: www.BornToInspire.Com